Blacksheep papa

i've become a DAD.

what a powerful word.
for someone like me who likes stability, it's already quite a disaster.
it's like an atomic bomb going off in the middle of my shower.
if not the long gestation period in mommy's tummy, little baby tiara would deal much more damage to me than ever.

ever since whitesheep is pregnant, we've tried to come up with a schedule of how to live our life.
what to do before going to work every morning. what we would do when i come home.
we thought, well at least i thought our schedule sort of worked, when everyone is "happy", at least hypothetically, even for someone who isn't easily satisfied or becomes unhappy pretty easily.
even peaceful times are more common back then.
since the little bundle of joy has arrived there are much more things to be "unhappy" about.
my "alone time" has become less. making me wanting even more.
with my workload increasing steadily after a colleague has left and house chores increasing ten fold, it's harder to find time for myself.
even less so if she's unhappy.
seems like she has nothing she likes doing besides swiping on that ipad these days.
now that she's back to work she has more excuse of being tired and moody and gloomy.
doesn't want to do anything, luckily besides taking care of tiara.
if asked why she is always grumpy and gloomy, she would accuse me of neglecting her.
oh that's why.
it's so easy to accuse me of sitting in front of the pc instead of doing __________.
how it has ruined my life, this computer addiction.
and it doesn't have to be games. but mostly it is.
what am i to do? is there a support group for computer addicts?
wow i just love to type on this new razer ultimate black widow stealth edition man, love to type it like i've never typed before.

what worsens the situation is online competitive games.
so hard to play those now. every now and then i'm needed by tiara's side to tend to her cries.
why does she cry so much anyways? her attention seeking trait must be from her mother.
now a days she just cry at her max volume instead of the earlier progressive crying until someone tends to her needs.
eh but a baby is a baby right?

hey but being a dad supposedly eliminates any thoughts in a person that makes him naive, and makes the person more matured right? but i hardly think so.
could it be something else?
heard before also the more relationship one has under his belt, the more matured the person.
is that even true?
i have 0% chance of finding out now that i'm in this hole.

lemme see, what do i want to type some more?
a free flow of thoughts firing like a machine gun
clickety clack on my new keyboard.
that's the sound right now.
loving it.
even if it's nonsensical nonsense and jiberish jab.

whatever, this blog is self serving anyways.
i am my own king!

wonder what's the next episode entails.
at least amid the gloominess in the house there's news to celebrate.
ah ka is leaving for nyc this 1/8.
so happy for her. really.
she's living her dream.
what would it be like to have a dream and achieve it.
why can't i do that.
i've been so burned out since LKY i'm like a over-cooked turkey.
still left in the oven.
how i wish i was just a normal guy back then and saved all my energy just so i can unleash it now.
to shine like a bright star now would prove to be so much more better than to have a meaningless LKY and never continue on the path of full time education.

ahhh that path.
i felt ever so slightly jealous when ah ka was showing me her newly laminated CPA cert and the rest of her Uni cert, JC cert and transcripts.
and dad was always telling everyone that he owes me a big deal being unable to let me continue my studies. what's the use of saying this now?
seriously i wouldn't feel any better now that i'm in this hole.
and he can't see me from that hole he's stuck in over there.
getting himself involved in these thing is his own karma.

it's interesting that the case with dry dock worlds is developing in to a court trial.
although they are not directly suing us, not yet, but defending against them is quite taxing and slowing down my own work quite a bit.
after that meeting with MOM proved to be more tiresome than first thought.
there's even a possibility dry dock would sue us to recover their cost if they were to win this one against MOM. all they have to do is to cast a doubt on our system having the slightest possibility of failing at some point, (which most systems do, you can find fault with any system however small) they win. MOM can't charge them with the criminal charges of killing two and 20+ injured, and they have all the ammo to run their steamroller over us.
we are just small fry.

which is just the way the bosses wanted it to be.
seriously, should i change my job?
there seems to be jobs out there waiting for me.
just like marrying my first girlfriend, for that i can't venture out anymore, but for my job i can.
however i have to leave my comfort zone of 8yrs and counting.
what's it going to be like?
important thing is i like stability, since i have absolutely no backup.
nobody in this world can help me in my struggles.
on top of that all i have are burdens.
things that pull me back. including my own character of preferring to stay the same.
but deep in my heart i love adventure.
why i don't have a partner that loves the same.
it would be a much more interesting life.
but anyone could say that my life is not over, and i'm still young, i can still make changes.
all these talk are just what they are, talk.
in the end, i'm the only one that can pick up the sword.

should i start writing?
let's see what should i write.
came across a self help book at popoular about all turning points fall on a thursday.
seems interesting, but expensive for a book that only has an interesting cover.
i haven't got to even the second page when i notice her impatience.
patience is a rare commodity for her now it seems.
seldom can she stand the shit that i used to do or my stupidity, now that tiara is in the picture.

and mango is my good friend.
have always liked to eat it. fresh mango, dried mango.
best served cold.
but recently i fell ill to cold and the doctor downstairs knew that i have a sensitive nose and told me to avoid mango!
what?!
this cannot be!
so i kept eating dried mangoes to test his "theory".
actually i'm testing my own body.
still sick and having a semi blocked right nose.
green goo is oozing from it and some of it getting dried in the nostril.
damn... i don't fall sick normally. WTH...

and that's it for now.
just now i went in to play with tiara and whitesheep seems to have lightened up and joined in the fun a bit.
the ambient is less moody now.
i might even try to play a couple rounds of max payne 3 death match.
um... it's 12 midnight now.
TCM theory says to preserve the body, now is the time to sleep, even for 20mins.
have never tried that before since i sleep everyday way past midnight.
hai... life is short, right?



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